Ah Rats

My last day in Africa was a roller coaster ride. I expected my departure to be emotional but there were a few surprises along the way.

Saying goodbye to the team members was one of the hardest things I have had to do. What I thought would take an hour turned into two and a half. We cried and laughed with them as we recalled moments and walked through some painful moments. It is hard to leave when the team leaves for their first touring cycle because it is a pivotal and exciting time. The night before I was blessed with a beautifully decorated box filled with letters of thanks and encouragement. I sat up most of the night reading through all the heart felt sentiments. I did not realise how much influence I had been in the lives of so many people until I saw it on paper. Even people I had little contact with seemed to feel that my presence added value to their time at 13^thFLOOR.

After crying for what felt like days with the team I rushed home to finish packing and get ready to leave for church and the airport. For the first time my excitement started to peak as my South African responsibilities were coming to an end. I could not help singing praises in the car; the time of long anticipation was finally in my sights. I thought to myself now I can be happy and celebrate….

My landlord was suppose to meet me so I could give him the keys to the house and have a final walk-thru. We scheduled 10h30 so I would have plenty of time to get to church by 12. At about 11 I called to find my landlord out shopping and running errand near Johannesburg (an hour away). I alerted friends I would be late and set about waiting in my unfurnished home. There was no where to sit, so I leaned against the kitchen counter searching for some logical, spiritual or decent reason for this unscheduled pause in my life. I was surprisingly calm considering the list of things I need to accomplish before leaving. About 12h45 I started getting calls from people waiting at church to see me. My landlord was still 20 minutes away and I could not exit the property without my keys nor was there anywhere to leave the keys for him to collect later. My high was starting to wane now and just when I was about to envision all that could go wrong, my landlord arrived 5 mins before 13h.

I rushed to the car and rapidly drove to Chilles, the bar where we meet for church and found my very patient friends waiting to say farewell. In addition to our regular crowd, most of the NieuCommunities gang was there plus a few 13^thFLOOR alumnae. It was a wonderful to see both old and new friends gathered together. Due to delays I missed the sermon, but I felt that I learned so much about God by seeing my friends and having last conversations. I will miss gathering with them.

Hilde was my chauffer to the airport. I thought it was fitting that she take me, as she was my first contact with C-Kruis (now 13^thFLOOR) in 2004. She arrange for me to see the show that would change my future and introduced me to Flaps, the man who invited me to remain in South Africa. On the way we laughed about relationships; the near-misses, faux pas and hope that make dating a constant source of entertainment. I will really miss having her right across the hall. Who am I going to talk with now?

After a few rearranged errands, we arrived at the airport about 16h. I went through security, paid my excess luggage and then got the news. My flight was delayed three hours! Good thing I was not in a panic to get to the airport in spite of the days hold-ups! This meant I would have more time to spend with Hilde so we had a snack and continued our conversation. As I walked her to the parking lot and said goodbye, I realised I was saying goodbye to was my last significant tie to South Africa. Neither of us wanted to cry, but I knew that as soon as we parted the tears would come. And indeed they did.

I made my way into the security area to use the dinner voucher SAA provided. It was billed as a great restaurant, but it was a step above a glorified cafeteria. I had my chicken and then began to wait. After some time I decided to have a chair message to work out the kinks brought on by days of packing and the cold winter. It was heaven. I could feel my stress melting away – my muscles became jello like and gave way to the masseuse's pressure. Five minutes before it was over an announcement was made, "Flight SA 236 to London Heathrow will be delayed until 2 AM." I sat up and released my contribution to the communal moan heard around the international waiting area. Let's just say my muscles were no longer as pliable.

After my treatments, I made my way to SAA's corporate offices. I wanted to know what was happening. Was this new delay one in a series of delays to put off the flight a day without paying lodging us or was there a dare I say good reason. Then I heard the words that became the title of this rant. Rats!

Apparently, a rat was found on board and they spent almost two hours trying to catch it. Eventually they gave up and did what in my opinion should have been done first, fumigated the plane. I stared bleary eyed at the woman as she explained that the plane had to be tented for 4 hours and we would indeed leave at 2 AM.

What an ending to my time in South Africa. I cannot say I am surprised that something of this magnitude happened on such an auspicious day, especially with my track record. As I drifted off to sleep, I chuckled and mumbled the words, "…of course, rats."

Just Amazing!

I know I've been out of touch a bit but it was for a good cause. I spent last week in the Western Cape participating in a youth camp called GAP. If the name sounds vaguely familiar to some of you, it's because I was part of the first Gap camp in the Netherlands. This was also the first camp in South Africa and it was great to be reunited with old friends from the states.


There were 28 kids attending and from Kiamondi, a township near Stellenbosch, Cape Town and Stellenbosch area. Most of them were orphaned or abandoned by one or both parents, and a few were affected by HIV in their families. To hear their stories would break your heart and there were few moments when we were able to maintain dry eyes as we prayed in preparation of the camp.


The first day, the kids were reserve and withdrawn. Some of them met before at school, but it was clear they were not in their element and trust was not a high commodity in their lives. Each one fell into a role or mask that was comfortable to them, but as each day passed, we saw the hardened exteriors start to crack to reveal an authentic self and the subsequent freedom it brings.


On of my favourite moments was with a 15 year old boy named Lwando which is Xhosa for 'something growing'. His father left his 17 year old mother a 3 after he was born and has another family. He is devastated because in the Xhosa culture a boy must go through an initiation into manhood before he is recognized by his clan and can claim his father's name. Without a male role model he cannot complete his initiation with honour nor is he fully recognized by his tribe. This shame is on top of the constant feelings of abandonment. Our last night with the kids we offer them a chance to exercise forgiveness and make positive commitments, after his turn I found him off in the corner bent over. It was obvious he was having an internal struggle over his conflicted feelings towards a father he never really knew. We spent some time away from the others talking through feelings he buried deep but could not longer run from.


"How can I want to love some one I want to kill?" That is the question that most of these kids deal with daily. After an hour or so he started to integrate his feelings of despair into his current and future reality. He found a place to hold those opposing emotions and make peace with himself for having them. Robb, one of the trainers, wept openly before the group as he imagined his life without knowing his son. To us it is unfathomable how parents can leave their children and never look back. Whether children are physically or emotionally abandoned the scars are deep and lasting. It is a sad reality that it happens everyday all over the world.


Seeing Lwando's courage to find a way through his struggle was a wonderful gift. I wish there was a way to snap our fingers and make this problem go a way; 28 lives may not mean much in the grand scheme of things but at least it is a chance to influence a potential break in the constant flow towards despair. I pray that Lwando and the others hold on to what they learned last week, I know it will make a world of difference to them and maybe the world.

Shallow

I am waiting for my flight. Sitting here feeling anxious about seeing people I have not seen in years. What will they think of me? How will I appear to them? What do we have to talk about? Will they still like/respect me? What will they think about the weight I've gained.


I am on my way to Cape Town, where I will meet with friends and colleagues from GAP. GAP is an outstanding 4 day experience for teens that helps them refocus and become clear about what they want from life. These people are truly special to me and I credit them for empowering me to deepen my relationship with my parents (the result of which was seen in last weeks blog). So I guess I am a little out of sorts about seeing them again. Many of them met me at a crossroad and now I am seeing them at another.


I know it may be shallow to think of such things when so much is at stake for the kids coming to GAP, but sometimes I am just that petty.

Tear-filled Goodbyes

Well it is official, I have started crying and I do not think that I will stop anytime soon. Each day is rushing by faster than the one before and there is so much to say and do with all the people who mean so much to me in South Africa. I wish I could press a pause button so I could breathe and grieve.

This afternoon was my last day of training responsibilities and the last time I would lead the small group for the management girls called AIM. We talked about our high and low points of the training, there were some tears laced with much laughter. As each person shared I reflected on each young woman's journey, often I was there when they were facing their worst days to wipe their tears and celebrated with them when they soared. Each sacred moment embraced me like a gentle breeze on an autumn day, brisk and fleeting. I wanted to hold each one close, but they slipped from my grasps. It is time to let them go.

To end our time I had each girl sit in the chair while the others shared insights, blessings and encouragements about her. I became more emotional as each girl took a turn in the chair. I have spent almost three years with many of them; how do you express an ocean of love and feelings for a person in a thimble of time? The tears and emotions poured out of me without hindrances. This may be the last time I will have an intimate time like this with many of these women and I did not want to waste it. Unfortunately, we ran out of time before each girl had a turn, but I will get to the others personally to say the words I can not hold back – do not want to hold back. I want each one to know how gloriously wonderful they are and how they inspire me daily.

I sit with the question, how will I live without these precious gems in my life? Each time I come to this place I ask why is has to be this hard. In a way the pain is a reassurance that I allowed myself to love well again. If I protected my heart and only connected in a rational way, it would not feel like my heart is being ripped apart. Logically I know there will be others for me to love in the near future, but right now this is it.

The students and friends I made here are who I long to be with, see grow and change, but they must face challenges and celebrate without me. I think that is what I miss most, the things that have not occurred. Silly isn't it to miss something that has not happened yet, but I have lived this experience before. My life is filled with missed birthdays, births and weddings of friends and family I left behind, and it pained me to miss each one. So it is with a heavy heart that I move on from South Africa and tearfully say farewell.

Wonder and Awe

Remember Edwin, the student I took into my home?

Well Sunday night we had a conversation – you know one of those bare bones, raw, "come to Jesus" talks that cut through the bull and gets to the point. Sometimes love is tough and it can mean saying those things that others are too nice to say; Believe me I did not make the mistake of being too anything. Let's just say he was loved well in truth. We covered many topics about his character, how people perceive him and how the choices he makes and avoids determine his future. By the end of the conversation he was wide-eyed. He said he needed to think it all over.

The next day he took action. He made appointments and had some hard conversations. He said he knew it was time for him to take ownership of his choices. He had a hard day and was pacing by the time I got home. Some of the talks did not turn out the way he expected but he was willing to admit that the results were positive overall and that was enough to encourage him to face some obstacles. I was so proud of him!

Tuesday, in out strategic meeting we needed to fill a position on team due to a leaving team member. Someone mentioned Edwin as a candidate. At that moment had an a- ha moment – Maybe that's why he needed to stay with me. Is God up to something in this situation? After several discussions, the SA director and the red tour leader met me at my home to meet with Edwin. We discussed the pros and cons of him joining the team 3 weeks prior to tour and how what was expected of him. Several times we came back to a place of why now and not before and although some of the questions were hard, I could see the gleam of joy in his eyes as he committed to face the challenges ahead.

As the conversation subsided and I prepared to go back to the office, we hugged as our emotions swelled. "Well I guess God was waiting for our conversation on Sunday," I said. He hugged me tighter and said, "I think your right."

Edwin is back on team!

TIA

For all you Blood Diamond fans, I had a true TIA (This is Africa) day and it is only 10h30 in the morning.

Let me recount

Yesterday a student who desperately had to go to Home Affairs with me (it is a government office that processes legal documents for the country) and begged me for days to take him with as I was going to extend my South African visa. I explained it would be out of the way for me to come back to the camp to fetch him and it would need to be early because I wanted to get there 15 mins before they opened because I needed to make an appointment at the camp later that morning. He pleaded and said he would be in front of my office at 6h30. So I drove back to the camp, waited and waited at our agreed upon location. When I went looking for him he tells me that he decided to stay behind and did not call me because he figured I was not coming.

Late, I make my way to the highway that is now congested with the morning grind (Oh close your mouth – yes we have traffic caused by actual cars in South Africa). I am chiding myself for going against my better judgement while trying to convince myself that contrary to what I might feel, it will not be one of those days. There is a long cue at the door and it is 7h35, the office was suppose to open at 7h30, but TIA so I have learned to expect less than prompt openings and premature closings. So I wait and wait and wait. I check my calendar to make sure it is not another SA holiday I am not aware of but it is not true and the person I spoke with yesterday confirmed their hours. After 30 minutes I can see people milling inside so I know they will eventually come to our rescue. 90 minutes pass before someone saunters to the door and opens it with out explanation or remorse. When I arrive at my counter I ask why the inordinate tardiness, "Oh we had a meeting offsite." And when I asked why there was no notice on the door or why I was told when I called yesterday of the changed hours. I was told, get this, people will wait until we open.

Frustrated I start my application sans pertinent documents I was not told to bring in previous conversations, but through calls and a neighbourhood shop with a fax I managed to secure everything needed. With my feathers sufficiently ruffled, I somehow managed to shake of the frustration and marched semi-triumphantly to the counter. As I stretched out my arm to put the papers on the counter, the power went out before the documents hit the counter. "Sorry you will have to come back, please leave the building." I asked if I could leave the documents and pay my fee because all the receipts are done by hand, I was told there was nothing he could do because they had to close.

Yes so like I said TIA!

Surprised!

Tonight my parents surprised me! Just when I thought I just about had them figured out and started to trust my assessment of them…they go and change on my in ways I never dreamt possible. How?

Well my decision to go in to service ministry was met with let just say suspicion. For years I tried to explain and they tried to convey their disbelief and shock. Secretly they must have hoped that I would smell the coffee, wake up from this Christian haze I had to be under, and live the life they pre-charted for me post-conception. I did my best to understand their desire to see me with a future filed with security and a deep knowing that I would be okay on my own and eventually find happiness that comes from a job well done. But my innate cynicism would not settle for the road much travelled or the safe bet, I am a risk-taker who places her bets on a shaky commodity (you know people).

So you can see how we missed each others for years, but our love or stubbornness (my money is on the later) kept us coming back to the bargaining table even if it meant leaving in tears ad new found heartache. When I returned home last year to visit my dad, while they were diagnosing him with Parkinson's, we finally were able to see each other clearly without relinquishing our desired outcomes. We arrived at a compromise; I will passionately pursue what brings me joy and they will support my seeking that joy even if they disagree with my methods. After all is it not what every parent wants to see their child content and don't we all long for our parent's approval? That was a defining moment in our relationship. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and open more of my life to them. For the first time I could share my struggles and questions along with the triumphs without feeling I was revealing my soft vulnerable underbelly.

The past year has been wonderful and I have felt supported. I thought that was where we would plateau because we had climbed out from the a pit so deep that no one thought we would survive, let alone be at a place of mutual respect and understanding. So tonight took me by surprise, but in a way I feel it should not have because God, in my experience, never settles for the plateau. He tends to aim for Everest as a starting point and moves on from there.

So my parents are funding my relocation to London! All the boxes of my personal effect will arrive in the UK in a few months courtesy of mom and dad. And they asked me if they could help with this – they actually anticipated a need and offered to fulfil it before it was spoken. For those of you who have watched me relationship with my folks as missions took hold of my life, you know that this is something to celebrate and relish. Thanks you to all the prayer warriors and supporters out there who are fighting on our behalf. You never gave up and neither did God.

I am pleasantly surprise, hope-filled and happy to cherish this moment and share it with you. I look forward to the rest of the climb.

The Boy is back in town!

Benjamin our long lost team member is back in South Africa! He left the first week of February for Zambia to complete visa to South Africa and has been fighting bureaucracy until last week! Can you believe it? A process that should have taken 5 working days, took 2 months from inception to completion.

Every week we bit our nails in anticipation of the latest snag to the process. Honestly we were mapping contingency plans in case he could not return. It is sad that he missed most of his curriculum and rehearsals; He was so excited about what he might learn and experience. Now he must catch up and be prepared for tour in 3 weeks.

He said his time at home was frustrating as regaled us stories of red-tape, but he also felt that it was a time to be with his family he had been estranged from. During his time at home, there were 2 deaths in the family. His mother was grateful to have Benjamin by her side while she coped with her losses. He also spent time with unmet cousins and uncles. It was a family reunion/restoration of sorts.

The team missed his ever-present and stunning smile; Flaps missed his talent as he has lead roles in three out of four performance and the school shows. Needless to say we are glad to welcome him back in the fold.

Welcome back Benji!

Travel Plans

Lourens, my UK co-worker left this morning for London and today I booked my ticket for my upcoming move. I leave South Africa on 29 April. It is really happening! I got a good deal on my ticket and I will fetch it (pick it up) tomorrow. I have a rush of excitement because the ticket makes it all real. I have a deadline to work towards verses a someday attitude.

It surprises me sometimes that a concrete date can change my perspective so easily. Now the list of to do's has grown exponentially and the date, like things in the mirror, may be closer than it actually appears. Crazy how that works!

I also leave for Cape Town for a week on April 17^th. GAP is a 4 day ministry targeted for teens to help them become more intentional in their lives and their relationship with God and others. It is a phenomenal opportunity to be part of their first efforts in South Africa. It feels like a completion of a circle in some way because I was part of their launch into the Netherlands before I left their as well. We have kids coming from a township near Stellenbosch called Kiamondi (not sure of the spelling), Cape Town and Stellenbosch so far. I know it will prove to be an amazing time.

Please keep me in your prayers and heart as I prepare for both ventures. My heart is most focused on the people both ministries will shape the kids we meet and eventually have an impact in this world's future. So many people who were both positive and negative became the tools that moulded my character and perception. I can not help thinking about all the people who played a role in shaping me into the person that I am today and the hope that I can be one of those people too.

Let the Packing Begin

Well I gave notice yesterday and I begin the daunting task of sorting through my belongings. Sorting through the endless mementos of my life lived is both fun and exhausting. Each item I own has a story attached to it and I get flashes of their moments as I walk through my home. How does one decide what is worth holding on to our passing on so that someone else can continue their story by leaving their indelible mark on what used to be mine. If that is possible is anything really mine? Maybe each item had a rich life without me, you know B.A., Before Alycia.

As thoughts flood my mind's eye, I dread the inevitable shedding of another layer. Each country I've inhabited leads to an acquiring of the things of life I believe I cannot live without, but days like this arrive and I often ask myself why did I think I would need this crap? Life is so fickle or may be it is just me that is fickle. So I guess it is out with the old and the selling of the practically new. I know as I pack each box it will hold promises of a continuing story in a new life in a new city. The things I cannot live with out must be those whose story is not finished with me yet. Maybe that is how I will sift the wheat from the chaff.