Tear-filled Goodbyes

Well it is official, I have started crying and I do not think that I will stop anytime soon. Each day is rushing by faster than the one before and there is so much to say and do with all the people who mean so much to me in South Africa. I wish I could press a pause button so I could breathe and grieve.

This afternoon was my last day of training responsibilities and the last time I would lead the small group for the management girls called AIM. We talked about our high and low points of the training, there were some tears laced with much laughter. As each person shared I reflected on each young woman's journey, often I was there when they were facing their worst days to wipe their tears and celebrated with them when they soared. Each sacred moment embraced me like a gentle breeze on an autumn day, brisk and fleeting. I wanted to hold each one close, but they slipped from my grasps. It is time to let them go.

To end our time I had each girl sit in the chair while the others shared insights, blessings and encouragements about her. I became more emotional as each girl took a turn in the chair. I have spent almost three years with many of them; how do you express an ocean of love and feelings for a person in a thimble of time? The tears and emotions poured out of me without hindrances. This may be the last time I will have an intimate time like this with many of these women and I did not want to waste it. Unfortunately, we ran out of time before each girl had a turn, but I will get to the others personally to say the words I can not hold back – do not want to hold back. I want each one to know how gloriously wonderful they are and how they inspire me daily.

I sit with the question, how will I live without these precious gems in my life? Each time I come to this place I ask why is has to be this hard. In a way the pain is a reassurance that I allowed myself to love well again. If I protected my heart and only connected in a rational way, it would not feel like my heart is being ripped apart. Logically I know there will be others for me to love in the near future, but right now this is it.

The students and friends I made here are who I long to be with, see grow and change, but they must face challenges and celebrate without me. I think that is what I miss most, the things that have not occurred. Silly isn't it to miss something that has not happened yet, but I have lived this experience before. My life is filled with missed birthdays, births and weddings of friends and family I left behind, and it pained me to miss each one. So it is with a heavy heart that I move on from South Africa and tearfully say farewell.