I Should Have Known!

So I was having on of those days when I questioned everything about why I am here on this planet, in London the whole deal. It was spurred by the fact that money is tight and I cannot access the money in my accounts due to bureaucracy that seems to never end. I had about 6 quid on me for the day and I had my oyster card to get where I need to go for a meeting. I set off for the 2.5 hour journey to meet with a school head master is a very posh section of East London.

On the way I hit my journal pretty hard to write out my misgivings. When I boarded the last overland train I reminded myself that I had enough money for supper and to make my way to my meetings and I got to start on an outline for a story. So all in all things were evening out. Until…

I get to the station I was rerouted to on time only to discover that my original route had a benefit I did not realise until it was too late. I get to the gate tap my travel card and the gate remained closed. The nice man at the gate tried to help me, but then he smiled and said, "Your card is only good through zone 6, you my dear are outside of zone 6." So to my dismay, I had to cough up an extra 3 quid and I was on my way up the steep hill to meet the head master. About a block away I got the call, that the head master had to leave and would not be there nor would his friend, a head master at a neighbouring school be there either. Let's just say that it was not one of my shining moments.

So after I calmed myself I went to a grocery shop to see if I could find some vittles to for the long journey home. I found a gluten free roll, some meat and goat cheese and I wanted some fruit, but it would have put me over my remaining balance. I started to dig through my bag in search of loose change. Nothing! At that moment the questioned washed over me again and I wanted to sit on the floor and scream, "WHY?"

As I pulled my face from my bag, I heard a woman say, "Have you done it?"

"No, done what?" I said cautiously as I was not even sure she was addressing me.

"Have you gotten the voucher, they are giving away £20 vouchers."

"What!"

"Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I sent my daughter and it is true."

"Did you have to do anything?"

"All you have to do is walk up to that woman and say, 'Brioche, '" she whispered to me.

"Thanks, I am going right now!"

I calmly walked with my four items to the woman at the door. I leaned in and said the magic word. "Well done on you," she said as she handed me the golden voucher. Can you believe it! £20, that's $40.

Well I just about cried. God has a way of telling me to keep going when I reach the edge of the plank only to add an extension at the exact second my step would send me plummeting into the abyss. I know this may seem like coincidence or nothing great, but for me at that moment it was sweet grace and another way that I know that there is something bigger and more complex in the universe that this existence. It is a force that is both stretching and nurturing at the same time. I like to call this force GOD and moments like this let me know that I can trust Him and that He loves me no matter how I am feeling.

It makes me smile for a long time.

Your Kidding Right

Yes they went there....

Mission Implausible

So it happened again! Yes my computer is up to her old tricks and not working. It seems that my second motherboard had crashed. Do you have any idea how much of a pain this is to be in a new country, supposedly starting a new ministry? For starters I cannot write proposals or answer emails. Brilliant!

I have been here before and I know I will survive this too, but today I am just fed up with annoyances like this. Why is it that everything has to be that much harder when you are already in the middle of a difficult situation? Can it get any worse you ask yourself – apparently it can and will.

I am soooooooo frustrated and I am caught between a rockier and harder place. Stretching my last dollars in a foreign country and now this. I know God has an incredible sense of humour and impeccable timing when it comes to my life, but sometimes it would be nice to be in on the joke – you know? I know it is pointless to ask myself why this why now because my inner voice says why not you and why not now?

I know this is not the end and I should not be melodramatic, but this feels like this I cannot go forward without some serious readjustment. Plus, lets face it people I am tired! So in my most immediate and implausible future I am trying to deal without. I thought I knew most of the things I would let go of as I stepped into this adventure (jokes on me for even thinking this is possible), and now I have been dropped kicked into the reality that nothing is certain…again.

Where do I walk from here? I do not know, all I know is that I need to walk. I will be an annoyance to my co-workers in borrowing their computers in the wee hours of the morning so I can work. It would not be so bad if there we not about 10 other crucial things of this magnitude gnawing at my brain to be dealt with. Everything from bank accounts that do not work to theft weigh on me. Each time requires a mustering of beyond human strength to carry on.

God give me strength to inch my way to the edge of the cliff once more, leap and hope the net appears.

Direction

I am in Amsterdam this week (The Netherlands is one of my most favorite countries) meeting people and making connections for 13thFLOOR. We are in day three and we have endured a stolen wallet (Lourens), crashing motherboards (my computer), overnight bus ride, and learning how different Dutch and Afrikaans are. Yesterday Lourens and I managed to get lost.

Now I am not talking a little lost, I am talking LOST! This happened after Kelley, Lourens and I went to Almere to meet with the Salvation Army and every person we asked to help with directions sent us in opposite directions; so our trust level for asking for help was dashed before our big excursion later that afternoon. So we felt that with our map we should be able to handle finding our way in a section of town that was semi-familiar to both of us. HAHA! We walked for three hours trying to make our way back to a place we turned from only a few blocks from our destination. By the time we figured out where we were and how far we needed to walk home we were a bit weary and dejected.

As we were literally passing where we started our unexpected trek we could see the familiar landmarks and celebrated being within minutes of our home. Our feet were killing us and we had dreams of devouring the delicious treats we commandeered on the way. The Promised Land was close at hand we could taste it! At that moment we were confused about the reason for such an unnecessary blunder of judgment but all that was about to change.

A young woman in here twenties approached us and asked in Dutch if we could help her. She was late for an audition and could not find the address. She was very frustrated, but you could see that she was trying to put up a brave face, but internally she was shattered. I explained that we were not from here and we mentioned that we were also licking our wounds after being defeated by the Dutch street system. We pointed her toward what we thought was the right direction but she was anything but satisfied with our response.

She vented and told us that our directions were not right (I love Dutch directness) and we should come with her to see that we were erroneous. So beleaguered and defiant, we accompanied our fellow trekker down, what only turned out to be another trick down a rabbit hole.

We arrived at the place where the address should be and tit clearly was not there. It skipped the address she was seeking. It baffled our three minds and mocked us mercilessly. It just did not exist in our space-time continuum. Now our new friend could no longer hold back the tears she fought so bravely to hide. I hugged her and Lourens said we would help her find her way. We walked on.

Eventually we came across a police station and went inside for some insight. It took consultation with a few officers to determine that we just had to keep going in the direction we were headed and get there. We even called the people staging the audition and they reassured us that we were going the right way. The three of us had to fight our rationale as the numbers kept going in the opposite direction of what we sought. Everyone said we had to keep going straight and trust that the destination would appear.

We pushed onward and onward. Finally we crossed the magic street, you know the ones that have numbers that ascend in both directions even in one direction and odd in the other. While I feel that fault the Dutch for the execution of city planning but I have to credit them Dutch for creativity. In a matter of moments we stood across from our holy grail.

As we reflected over the journey we realised that everyone giving us directions thought we were standing in a location that mirrored where we actually were. So from their perspective they thought we were close and could not understand why we could not see or understand their perspective; we on the other hand were further away with similar landmarks thinking that were idiots. The light went on when we saw where they thought we were standing. From there it was easy, but where we were standing was hard and the destination was not within sight.

I know that this blog is lengthy already, but I have to say that this experience was a microcosm of political and world-view clashes. One person thinks that we are all coming from the same place, but the reality is that we cannot and we do not. So do we really have the right to get made at someone for seeing things their way when we have not bothered to walk with them in their experience? I think not! No wonder we as Americans, Christians, Muslims, Iranians…People in any affiliated group seem like morons when we broadcast a viewpoint as truth and assume it is common sense to everyone on the planet, yet have not done the footwork to see things from another vantage point. Could you imagine the conflicts we could master if we climbed down from our self-made ivory towers and just walked with people on their journey.

Had Lourens and I not accompanied our friend, we never would have learned how wrong we were, and judging from her frustration no one else was willing to hear or embrace her experience. On paper it made sense that the address should be where they pointed, but one would have to walk there to realise that what she spoke had merit. It is so much easier to discount another's perspective so one can hold on to our own, but if we sacrificed our position and move we might learn something and bind our hearts to another's experience. Allowing ourselves to be lost… again…meant that we gained something precious.

I’ve Got Nothin’

For the past few weeks I have sat down to blog or write I stare at the computer screen and get….nothing! Everyone who knows me can attest that I always have an opinion, quip, thought or at least comment to give even when unsolicited – but lately nothing.

I am not worried that I have nothing to say, I just don't have it in me to express at this time. Maybe it is because I have spent so much time writing proposals and speaking in meetings as of late, that I am literally our of words by the time I get the keyboard. I realised this after Lourens and I left with a friend for a meeting in a city an hour North of London. By the time we arrived home at 16h I was so exhausted that I got into bed after dinner – that's 18H15 people!

I was just tired but I could not sleep. I watched episodes of TV shows and spoke to no one for four hours. When I remerged at 22h, I was full of energy. When I thought over the day I realised that our friend was rather talkative and I had been in conversation with him, including a meeting with his boss, from 7h30 until 15h30. No wonder I was finished!

Being an introvert, I need quiet and alone time to charge my inner battery and refresh. Every week I purposely make time to be alone so I can go back and engage fully with others. I now live in a house with 11 others, so quiet is not a common commodity, and I spend just about everyday of the week in conversation with others in some context for the majority of the day so my weekly dates with myself usually suffice but yesterday was the mega load!

Now that I am aware of this, I know that after today…another marathon with the person from yesterday, I need to immediately disconnect and recharge, otherwise I look at people with a vacuous stare and mumble the words, "I've got nothin'."