Today is my 43rd birthday and I have to say that I am glad that I am in my 40’s. There is a liberation and freedom that comes with this decade that I would not trade with any 20 something. I realize that this is strange praise coming from someone who is in California, the US Capital of perpetual youth or as I like to call it Forever Plastic Surgery (you have to whisper the Surgery for full effect), but I have to say that each time I circle the sun, I discover more about the mystery that is life and myself.
For example, the older I get I seem to be able to shed the stigma of desiring the approval of the public at large. The opinion of people who love me and whom I love are what matters most. To me this is a gift, because this tight knot group of freaks that I call friends and colleagues want me to be my best and will say and do whatever they deem necessary for that to happen just because they love me – I do not need to decipher any hidden motives or sales pitch. It is just enough to know that people think I am cool to be with so they hang around and I tend to allow others not to like me and elect to be somewhere else. See simple.
Other things I seem to become reality to me as I mature into my me-ness.
Being able to see your idiosyncrasies as a something to laugh at with others as opposed to feeling inadequate.
Being able to see that there is a balance between things you do well and things that are best left up to others. Who wants to spend time and energy doing something that you can celebrate in another who is outstanding.
True friendship is something to ever be taken lightly not held too tight.
There are many more but maybe some of you are a bit too young for them yet. Besides it is part of the your personal journey to discover some of your own pearls as you submerge yourself in the treasure we call life.
Many Blessing to you all from the happily aging birthday girl!
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Monday, 18 February 2008
Signing Off
I have to say that I am overcome with an avalanche of feelings about leaving something that has meant so much to me. South Africa opened the door to so many things in my life and she instilled a deepness and honor I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life. The people taught me about more about laughter, selflessness and hospitality; the land taught me about the wildness of beauty; the animals taught me how to praise; the economy taught me about appreciation; the history taught me about diversity over tolerance. These are the few things that have risen to the top when I muse over my time there.
I am also heavy in heart about leaving my dearest friends behind, Bryan, Daleen, Elizabeth (Lizzy), and Hilde. These people are some of the best humans I have ever met. I am at a loss when I try to think of how I will cope without them being a car ride away. They have seen me in all my colors of crazy and brilliance – and they survived to tell me that I made it through another tragic day. They are rare and precious jewels that I leave behind, knowing they will enhance the beauty of the country. I miss you so much, forever.
Last but not least, I am tear-filled over leaving 13thFLOOR. I am so enriched by the opportunities I explored within this ministry and all I learned from the students and staff there. Leaving the students is like a knife in my heart. They became my babies and I became their mother, mamma and friend. The ties run deep and will be hard to sever. I know that the distance means so relationships will end, while others will remain tethered to my heart for a lifetime, and both cause me to ache at the indefinite separation. My babies helped me to grow and become more, because I always wanted to give them my best, because I believed it was the very least they deserved (Thank you!). I dream and hope they fly higher than I ever dreamed of going myself; maybe someday the winds will cause our paths to drift together again but if not, I my heart would be pleased to see you soaring above.
Tears of joy and sadness fill my eyes again as the necessary goodbyes materialize in my consciousness. Every going is filled with newness and adventure that fills me with excitement – this energy propels me toward risks and the uncertainty. But going also implies a leaving. Abandon is the ugly sister to Adventure that comes along on every voyage. She is the one that travelers like to avoid, but she is there nonetheless. Every time a season changes in my life, indicating that it is time to go to a new land, I immediately commit to the new direction but I bristle at leaving what I have come to love. It is painful because the lack of proximity does not break the affections and adoration; it often heightens it making the leaving more perilous. Making peace with the going and leaving is never easy, but I know it will eventually come as I continue onward, becoming richer for the journey.
I am also heavy in heart about leaving my dearest friends behind, Bryan, Daleen, Elizabeth (Lizzy), and Hilde. These people are some of the best humans I have ever met. I am at a loss when I try to think of how I will cope without them being a car ride away. They have seen me in all my colors of crazy and brilliance – and they survived to tell me that I made it through another tragic day. They are rare and precious jewels that I leave behind, knowing they will enhance the beauty of the country. I miss you so much, forever.
Last but not least, I am tear-filled over leaving 13thFLOOR. I am so enriched by the opportunities I explored within this ministry and all I learned from the students and staff there. Leaving the students is like a knife in my heart. They became my babies and I became their mother, mamma and friend. The ties run deep and will be hard to sever. I know that the distance means so relationships will end, while others will remain tethered to my heart for a lifetime, and both cause me to ache at the indefinite separation. My babies helped me to grow and become more, because I always wanted to give them my best, because I believed it was the very least they deserved (Thank you!). I dream and hope they fly higher than I ever dreamed of going myself; maybe someday the winds will cause our paths to drift together again but if not, I my heart would be pleased to see you soaring above.
Tears of joy and sadness fill my eyes again as the necessary goodbyes materialize in my consciousness. Every going is filled with newness and adventure that fills me with excitement – this energy propels me toward risks and the uncertainty. But going also implies a leaving. Abandon is the ugly sister to Adventure that comes along on every voyage. She is the one that travelers like to avoid, but she is there nonetheless. Every time a season changes in my life, indicating that it is time to go to a new land, I immediately commit to the new direction but I bristle at leaving what I have come to love. It is painful because the lack of proximity does not break the affections and adoration; it often heightens it making the leaving more perilous. Making peace with the going and leaving is never easy, but I know it will eventually come as I continue onward, becoming richer for the journey.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Hello Goodbye
I spent most of last week at the International Mentoring Network’s Humana 02.08 conference. I had a wonderful time and met some amazing people who are asking questions about how the post-modern church will shape the future and how we might charter a path to get there. I was truly inspired to meet people working all over America, Switzerland, Germany, Scotland and England who are seeking in the same heart, but have so many ways to express the love of God for the world, creation, and mankind. This gathering was also coupled a few music events that featured Jettison Never.
There was also a reunion of with what my new friend Derek (a.k.a “Tangent”) coined as the “trifecta,” Shawna Snow, Ali Watson and myself. It was the first time we had been together since I left Europe. There were many good times filled with deep conversations and lots of laughter. It was great to see them but it broke my heart for us to separate again after such a sweet reunion.
I flew home on Sunday, to make the acquaintance of my new electronic friend, my MacBook Pro! I have not given her a name (yes it is a her – there are ways to tell) but I prefer the American Indian approach where we wait until the character of the child reveals itself.
Last but not least I have had to face one of my hardest goodbyes to date. I sent in my letter of resignation to 13thFLOOR on today. This decision was labored in prayers, consultation and guidance. I will really miss the people and the love I encountered in South Africa. I will miss the students most of all and I am grateful for every second I spent with them. I am happy that what they taught me will always be with me. I think I grew in ways that would not have been possible without being there. South Africa was truly mother Africa to me and she nursed me in ways that I never would have dreamed.
Right now I feel like so much is going in and out of my life. I feel like the moment something ends then something new begins and vice versa. The Beatles' song Hello, Good Bye seems fitting, so I will leave you with this.
I spent most of last week at the International Mentoring Network’s Humana 02.08 conference. I had a wonderful time and met some amazing people who are asking questions about how the post-modern church will shape the future and how we might charter a path to get there. I was truly inspired to meet people working all over America, Switzerland, Germany, Scotland and England who are seeking in the same heart, but have so many ways to express the love of God for the world, creation, and mankind. This gathering was also coupled a few music events that featured Jettison Never.
There was also a reunion of with what my new friend Derek (a.k.a “Tangent”) coined as the “trifecta,” Shawna Snow, Ali Watson and myself. It was the first time we had been together since I left Europe. There were many good times filled with deep conversations and lots of laughter. It was great to see them but it broke my heart for us to separate again after such a sweet reunion.
I flew home on Sunday, to make the acquaintance of my new electronic friend, my MacBook Pro! I have not given her a name (yes it is a her – there are ways to tell) but I prefer the American Indian approach where we wait until the character of the child reveals itself.
Last but not least I have had to face one of my hardest goodbyes to date. I sent in my letter of resignation to 13thFLOOR on today. This decision was labored in prayers, consultation and guidance. I will really miss the people and the love I encountered in South Africa. I will miss the students most of all and I am grateful for every second I spent with them. I am happy that what they taught me will always be with me. I think I grew in ways that would not have been possible without being there. South Africa was truly mother Africa to me and she nursed me in ways that I never would have dreamed.
Right now I feel like so much is going in and out of my life. I feel like the moment something ends then something new begins and vice versa. The Beatles' song Hello, Good Bye seems fitting, so I will leave you with this.
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Shocked
Spending many years going to and living in countries outside the US prepares you for diversity in culture, language and standards of living; what is does not prepare you for is returning home. Returning to the scene of the crime, which was my former life in America, has left me flummoxed at best.
When I travel to a new country I tend to read about the place, sample the foods and experience the literature of those nations before I ever set foot on terra firma. Such activities feed my inner nerd and help me dive deeper into different societies and resurface with a richer understanding and love for the paradoxes and people of those nations. This exercise has lead to many years of enjoyment even though I was for all intensive purposes out of my element. What I forgot to do was apply these same practices in an intentional manner before returning to the US.
After spending my first weeks in America, I have to honestly say that I have suffered the most extreme culture shock I can remember. It is not that I have gone native in other countries, because I am very much an adopted outsider at best, but I realize that I am have also become and outside to the country of my birth. I did not prepare myself for stepping into an election year, Reality TV overload, the writer’s strike, new slang, celebrity focus, or US lifestyle. Sure I considered my friends lives being different and having to adapt to changes there, but the rest hit me like the wall of humidity one encounters when you leave the airport in Manila. I was so not prepared for this!
I am coping with all of this by laughing at myself and a limited sampling of US news. I tend to chuckle when I find myself looking for light switches in odd places and occasionally I pause to determine which side of the car is the driver’s side. I try to remind myself that what I see on TV is only part of the reality of America and choose to dive deeper into literature and intentional relationships. I do, however, find that I must resurface for air more often as I try to swim through American culture in 2008.
One thing I must say is that I have amazing friends. Time does not change or warp those heart friends that just get me and love me for the mess that I am. They are the core group of people who see me for who I am not for where I have been or not been in the grand scheme of things. Somehow we continue to see each other and that always makes me feel at home no matter where in the world I find myself.
When I travel to a new country I tend to read about the place, sample the foods and experience the literature of those nations before I ever set foot on terra firma. Such activities feed my inner nerd and help me dive deeper into different societies and resurface with a richer understanding and love for the paradoxes and people of those nations. This exercise has lead to many years of enjoyment even though I was for all intensive purposes out of my element. What I forgot to do was apply these same practices in an intentional manner before returning to the US.
After spending my first weeks in America, I have to honestly say that I have suffered the most extreme culture shock I can remember. It is not that I have gone native in other countries, because I am very much an adopted outsider at best, but I realize that I am have also become and outside to the country of my birth. I did not prepare myself for stepping into an election year, Reality TV overload, the writer’s strike, new slang, celebrity focus, or US lifestyle. Sure I considered my friends lives being different and having to adapt to changes there, but the rest hit me like the wall of humidity one encounters when you leave the airport in Manila. I was so not prepared for this!
I am coping with all of this by laughing at myself and a limited sampling of US news. I tend to chuckle when I find myself looking for light switches in odd places and occasionally I pause to determine which side of the car is the driver’s side. I try to remind myself that what I see on TV is only part of the reality of America and choose to dive deeper into literature and intentional relationships. I do, however, find that I must resurface for air more often as I try to swim through American culture in 2008.
One thing I must say is that I have amazing friends. Time does not change or warp those heart friends that just get me and love me for the mess that I am. They are the core group of people who see me for who I am not for where I have been or not been in the grand scheme of things. Somehow we continue to see each other and that always makes me feel at home no matter where in the world I find myself.
Friday, 4 January 2008
Miraculous Moments
A series of moments strung together form the incandescent splendor that we call life. Every one is unique much like pearls held together by the beautiful clasps that are both the beginning and the ending of our visit here on earth. Moments become memories we can gaze at and hold in place as we eagerly anticipate the next gem to be added. Often though in our rush to attain the next “thing” we miss the beauty of what we are experiencing in the now. There is a joy to inhabiting the preciousness of each bead before adding it to our collective memory. To be able to touch, tastes, see, hear and smell everything locked within is an opportunity to dance with the miraculous in the daily and mundane. For example:
When ferrying across the English Channel, I sat reading a book I eagerly desired to finish that day. I can easily tune out the world when I have book in front of me. It is one of my favorite escapes and soothers of my soul, when I am a bit frazzled. I was reading a book that so echoed my personal feelings, self-examination and transitioning, so I was dining on every word on the page trying to savor each insight and digesting many revealed truths. I came to the place where the author used a word that fit me perfectly and in a way I felt discovered. I was about to dive back into the book when I was interrupted by a moment.
Sitting at the table next to ours was a family with two ever moving boys under the ages of 4. The parents were exhausted from chasing after their children over the vastness of dining area; we were 25 minutes away from ending a two hours journey and the parents were desperately clinging to the promise that they could soon re-contain their energetic children in the car. The youngest who was about 18 months old, decided to play this game where he would jump from a chair onto the booth, peek over at me then laugh ….loudly.
His laughter robbed me of my focus. I smiled at him and laughed, which only seemed to make him laugh and scream with glee. I laughed too and his excitement over my half-baked attention. He turned away and left the booth and I sighed before bowing my head and descending back to the words. I scanned the page to find where I stopped, found it and started to – peels of laughter echoed in my ears, the boy was back staring at me waiting. So I looked up smiled at him and he just squealed and flashed me the sweetest smile. In that moment he was offering me something that was fleeting and beautiful in his playfulness. My book was looming on my lap, but here was this little person offering me an opportunity to celebrate the epiphany I gleaned only seconds before. So I decided to hold the moment and drink it in. The little one was delighted that he found a fresh audience for his antics and kept repeating his trek between the chair and the booth.
After her sons fifth journey and escalating laughter, the mom leaned over to her equally exhausted husband and suggested that he stop their so I could read my book. I had my out, but I decided to decline. I mentioned that playing this game was more fun than reading, and it was true. This little kid opened the door to remaining in the joy of now, to capitalize on the joy I experienced from reading. He was the cherry on top and I decided to enjoy it rather than plough on to the next ah-ha. We laughed and giggled for about 20 minutes, next thing I knew the captain was making the announcement of our docking in Dover. The moment was closing, but it was fully experienced. Just before the family rushed back to their car, they walked around to the table and wished me a Merry Christmas. I felt a rush of something that was powerful but sweet.
As they walked away, I thought about what I could have missed if I stuck to my plan of finishing the book. The book would be with me for as long as I desired, but the shared laughter was only offered once. It made me think how much I miss when I am focused on the incoming goals, experience or project, oblivious to what is happening in my universe in this moment at this time. It is nothing I do not know or teach even, but that little boy gave me my best Christmas gift; a reminder to relish every opportunity to celebrate what I am experiencing. That opens the door to discovering the miraculous waiting to be found in the moment.
When ferrying across the English Channel, I sat reading a book I eagerly desired to finish that day. I can easily tune out the world when I have book in front of me. It is one of my favorite escapes and soothers of my soul, when I am a bit frazzled. I was reading a book that so echoed my personal feelings, self-examination and transitioning, so I was dining on every word on the page trying to savor each insight and digesting many revealed truths. I came to the place where the author used a word that fit me perfectly and in a way I felt discovered. I was about to dive back into the book when I was interrupted by a moment.
Sitting at the table next to ours was a family with two ever moving boys under the ages of 4. The parents were exhausted from chasing after their children over the vastness of dining area; we were 25 minutes away from ending a two hours journey and the parents were desperately clinging to the promise that they could soon re-contain their energetic children in the car. The youngest who was about 18 months old, decided to play this game where he would jump from a chair onto the booth, peek over at me then laugh ….loudly.
His laughter robbed me of my focus. I smiled at him and laughed, which only seemed to make him laugh and scream with glee. I laughed too and his excitement over my half-baked attention. He turned away and left the booth and I sighed before bowing my head and descending back to the words. I scanned the page to find where I stopped, found it and started to – peels of laughter echoed in my ears, the boy was back staring at me waiting. So I looked up smiled at him and he just squealed and flashed me the sweetest smile. In that moment he was offering me something that was fleeting and beautiful in his playfulness. My book was looming on my lap, but here was this little person offering me an opportunity to celebrate the epiphany I gleaned only seconds before. So I decided to hold the moment and drink it in. The little one was delighted that he found a fresh audience for his antics and kept repeating his trek between the chair and the booth.
After her sons fifth journey and escalating laughter, the mom leaned over to her equally exhausted husband and suggested that he stop their so I could read my book. I had my out, but I decided to decline. I mentioned that playing this game was more fun than reading, and it was true. This little kid opened the door to remaining in the joy of now, to capitalize on the joy I experienced from reading. He was the cherry on top and I decided to enjoy it rather than plough on to the next ah-ha. We laughed and giggled for about 20 minutes, next thing I knew the captain was making the announcement of our docking in Dover. The moment was closing, but it was fully experienced. Just before the family rushed back to their car, they walked around to the table and wished me a Merry Christmas. I felt a rush of something that was powerful but sweet.
As they walked away, I thought about what I could have missed if I stuck to my plan of finishing the book. The book would be with me for as long as I desired, but the shared laughter was only offered once. It made me think how much I miss when I am focused on the incoming goals, experience or project, oblivious to what is happening in my universe in this moment at this time. It is nothing I do not know or teach even, but that little boy gave me my best Christmas gift; a reminder to relish every opportunity to celebrate what I am experiencing. That opens the door to discovering the miraculous waiting to be found in the moment.
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Ending Well
So much has happened that it seems crazy to even try to explain. Let’s just say that I have had a wonderful time in Netherlands and I am sad that it is coming to an end. I have learned so much about myself and I have been doing my best to take advantage of this time of rest and exploration, but frankly I have also been having so much fun.
I have been to Köln, Germany, Christmas parties, celebrating birthdays, visiting cathedrals, and dancing with gypsies interlaced with a plethora of laughs. I have to say that all of these things have happened randomly, without provocation. Through all of this I have made some amazing friends, some
I feel I am destined to know for long time, others it may have been for this time to help me hold together my breaking heart while it healed. Although I said many tear-filled goodbyes yesterday, I am so grateful to all the gentle souls that I was able to love and who loved me. Maybe it was fate, or luck, but I have to say it was amazing.
I hope that you have as much fun in the new year as I had in the last few weeks.
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