Signing Off

I have to say that I am overcome with an avalanche of feelings about leaving something that has meant so much to me. South Africa opened the door to so many things in my life and she instilled a deepness and honor I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life. The people taught me about more about laughter, selflessness and hospitality; the land taught me about the wildness of beauty; the animals taught me how to praise; the economy taught me about appreciation; the history taught me about diversity over tolerance. These are the few things that have risen to the top when I muse over my time there.

I am also heavy in heart about leaving my dearest friends behind, Bryan, Daleen, Elizabeth (Lizzy), and Hilde. These people are some of the best humans I have ever met. I am at a loss when I try to think of how I will cope without them being a car ride away. They have seen me in all my colors of crazy and brilliance – and they survived to tell me that I made it through another tragic day. They are rare and precious jewels that I leave behind, knowing they will enhance the beauty of the country. I miss you so much, forever.

Last but not least, I am tear-filled over leaving 13thFLOOR. I am so enriched by the opportunities I explored within this ministry and all I learned from the students and staff there. Leaving the students is like a knife in my heart. They became my babies and I became their mother, mamma and friend. The ties run deep and will be hard to sever. I know that the distance means so relationships will end, while others will remain tethered to my heart for a lifetime, and both cause me to ache at the indefinite separation. My babies helped me to grow and become more, because I always wanted to give them my best, because I believed it was the very least they deserved (Thank you!). I dream and hope they fly higher than I ever dreamed of going myself; maybe someday the winds will cause our paths to drift together again but if not, I my heart would be pleased to see you soaring above.

Tears of joy and sadness fill my eyes again as the necessary goodbyes materialize in my consciousness. Every going is filled with newness and adventure that fills me with excitement – this energy propels me toward risks and the uncertainty. But going also implies a leaving. Abandon is the ugly sister to Adventure that comes along on every voyage. She is the one that travelers like to avoid, but she is there nonetheless. Every time a season changes in my life, indicating that it is time to go to a new land, I immediately commit to the new direction but I bristle at leaving what I have come to love. It is painful because the lack of proximity does not break the affections and adoration; it often heightens it making the leaving more perilous. Making peace with the going and leaving is never easy, but I know it will eventually come as I continue onward, becoming richer for the journey.

Hello Goodbye

I spent most of last week at the International Mentoring Network’s Humana 02.08 conference. I had a wonderful time and met some amazing people who are asking questions about how the post-modern church will shape the future and how we might charter a path to get there. I was truly inspired to meet people working all over America, Switzerland, Germany, Scotland and England who are seeking in the same heart, but have so many ways to express the love of God for the world, creation, and mankind. This gathering was also coupled a few music events that featured Jettison Never.

There was also a reunion of with what my new friend Derek (a.k.a “Tangent”) coined as the “trifecta,” Shawna Snow, Ali Watson and myself. It was the first time we had been together since I left Europe. There were many good times filled with deep conversations and lots of laughter. It was great to see them but it broke my heart for us to separate again after such a sweet reunion.

I flew home on Sunday, to make the acquaintance of my new electronic friend, my MacBook Pro! I have not given her a name (yes it is a her – there are ways to tell) but I prefer the American Indian approach where we wait until the character of the child reveals itself.


Last but not least I have had to face one of my hardest goodbyes to date. I sent in my letter of resignation to 13thFLOOR on today. This decision was labored in prayers, consultation and guidance. I will really miss the people and the love I encountered in South Africa. I will miss the students most of all and I am grateful for every second I spent with them. I am happy that what they taught me will always be with me. I think I grew in ways that would not have been possible without being there. South Africa was truly mother Africa to me and she nursed me in ways that I never would have dreamed.

Right now I feel like so much is going in and out of my life. I feel like the moment something ends then something new begins and vice versa. The Beatles' song Hello, Good Bye seems fitting, so I will leave you with this.

You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

Missing

Well there are only 36 hours left in 2006 and I feel rather incomplete. I am entering into my 43^rd trip around the sun with a life filled with adventure, adversities and occasional triumphs. There is much to mourn and celebrate when I look over my journey but it produces a sign in me today. I guess I am just missing that feeling and quality of being known. I've been in South Africa now for three years, and although I have made some acquaintances, I would have to say that I have not found a sense of family here.

I have one great friend here, but due to distance and life we are lucky to see each other twice a year for a significant time of communion. People just don't have time for people outside of family here when it comes to those in my age group. I guess I am just feeling melancholy today for my tribe. That group of friends that did not need an occasion or reason to hang out, we just were…together. Together we shared history, experiences, tears, laughs, dances, food, wine, and life. We were a collective of souls running parallel to each other, spurring each other on to greatness. That greatness has spread us apart physically, but our hearts are still interwoven.

With the New Year approaching, I long to begin it with those who just know. No pretence just being- as we are together. When I think of our times together, it makes me smile from the inside of my very being.

Family of friends you are so missed and loved.

Breaking in and Broken Hearted

This week the teams are doing outreach that I organized for the teams. It was exhausting to arrange everything but I am grateful to be apart of exposing the students to different experiences. At this moment I am having a hard time motivating myself to keep going tomorrow.

While attending a worship meeting with our teams in Pretoria Central the car I am using was broken into. The door locks, steering column, ignition and wiring were damaged. The good thing is...nothing was taken from the car (computer, phone and handbag).

At this moment I feel like packing it up. It is so hard but I know that this is where I am supposed to be. The financial implications are the hardest to get past. It seems that each time I get closer to financial stability; something happens that takes the wind out of my sails. This puts me further from getting a car because the repairs are not covered by insurance and I have to have the car in running condition for the owner who returns in two weeks.

I am not sure what I will do for transportation at this point. But I am sure that I will find some way. God always seems to come through even though I do not agree with his methods in times like these. Well I guess I should crash, I have a long day at the police station and making arrangements for the cars' repairs.

Well this is what I have to get through tonight.